Just kidding. If I were to actually write a guide to romance you’d all be fucked, and I wouldn’t do that to you, because I care.
This is just a post about my awesome Valentine’s Day plans.
So I’ve been dating this girl, codename SEXY MCHOTSTUFF (McHotStuff), for a few months. We’ve been talking since Thanksgiving but didn’t actually start going on dates until early December. So I guess it’s been like 2.5 months?
Well, whatever. Anyway. McHotStuff is pretty hot and awesome. I’m into her. I’m tryna get dat shit on lock, yo.
Okay no. Seriously though she’s pretty great, so I did some cute shit for Valentine’s Day and I want to share!
So last week, after we had awesome sex, I handed her a card. On the inside I had written ‘Will you be my Valentine?’ and then put two check boxes that both said “Yes.” Sort of like the pic below:
And then in the bottom right corner I put a tiiiiny check box that said ‘No :(‘ next to it (gotta give her the option, at least.)
She immediately freaked out at how adorable it was, and checked off both Yes’s.
So then there was a minor mishap where she was like “Wait, were you asking me to be your girlfriend? It was dark” and I said “uhhh no, the card was asking you to be my Valentine” and then things got awkward for like 10 seconds (because she thought she checked yes to being in an official, committed relationship with me) but anyway, that’s not what this post is about.
I love searching Etsy when looking for funny Valentine’s Day cards. We haven’t been dating very long at all, so anything serious/sentimental is a NO GO. It had to be lighthearted and fun. But also, I’m not a sentimental or serious person, so it was going to be lighthearted and fun anyway.
I was actually in a similar situation a year ago (different girl, obviously), and this is the card I ended up getting her:
So I was like, damn, that’s one ROMANTIC CARD. Gonna be tough to beat! And I couldn’t get this girl (who is TOTALLY BETTER than last year’s girl, and the girl before that, and the girl before that, and the girl before that, by the way) the same card!
So I did some searching on Etsy and LO AND BEHOLD I found the best card that accurately summed up my feelings while remaining relatively minimalist!
So in case English isn’t your first language, this card is funny because ‘Jalapeno’ is the name of a hot pepper, but when you pronounce “Jalapeno” it kind of sounds like ‘Ha-lah-peen-yoh’ and THAT sort of sounds like ‘All-Up-In-Yo’.
So, when you read this card, it basically sounds like you’re saying “I would love to get all up in yo(ur) pants.”
And since I do, in fact, love getting all up in her pants, I figured it was, as Korra says, perfect!
But then the question was… what do I write in it? I asked one of my best friends for advice.
So I ended up writing something similar. Warning: My handwriting is AWFUL. Like. Embarrassingly awful. Basically I have the handwriting of a 10-year-old boy. I tried explaining how bad it is to McHotStuff and she was like “I doubt it’s that bad, I mean you obviously know how to use your hands” which was really sweet but also my sexual prowess has nothing to do with my shitty handwriting.
I know I’m going to regret posting this image online because you’re all going to fixate on how TERRIBLE my handwriting is and miss all this romantic genius I’m spewing.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Congrats on your face,
And your booty, too.
(but also, like, everything else)
Happy Valentine’s Day!
You’re awesome and stuff.
Let’s make out?
So essentially I’m saying, “I like you! Let’s have sex.”
I think it’s gonna be a winner.
She also loves this magician guy that is always at this bar she goes to with her friends, so she’s always sending me pictures of cool tricks he does for her (I’m convinced he’s trying to bang her but w/e).
So, naturally, I told her I’d learn magic to impress her.
She said, “PLEASE DO.”
SO! I went on Amazon and bought this “magic trick” that I did for show and tell once in 2nd grade. Allow me to demonstrate (apologies for filming this in portrait mode like a plebe):
Now you see the ball… NOW YOU DON’T…Now you do…NOW YOU DON’T AGAIN!
She’s going to be very impressed.
NOW, FOR MY NEXT TRICK, WATCH ME MAKE HER PANTS DISAPPEAR.
I also got her a box of chocolates from Max Brenner (an amazing chocolate place in Union Square).
So yeah, that’s how I will be impressing McHotStuff on Valentine’s Day.
I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day (or Singles Awareness Day, or Galentine’s Day, or whatever other variety of ____ Day they have these days.)
Also, I give you all permission to plagiarize my Valentine’s Day card poem, it’s pretty romantic.
“How long did it take you to complete Alex’s Girl?”
“Where did you get the idea for Alex’s Girl?”
A lot of people have been asking me the above questions so I figured I’d just write a post and explain how Alex’s Girl (and my presence on Wattpad) came to be.
Warning: I’m going to say ‘technically’ a lot.
So technically Alex’s Girl has been in production for a LONG time. Short answer? Three years. Basically, I posted Chapter One of Alex’s Girl Fall of 2012 and marked it complete summer of 2015.
But it’s actually a bit more complicated than that, because I technically could’ve written Alex’s Girl in a year or less (90% of the story was finished by mid-2013), but life got in the way. I didn’t write anything for almost an entire year (2014), but once I started up again it only took me a few months to finish that remaining 10%, and that took longer than it had to because as you probably know, I like to space my updates out and won’t post a chapter immediately even if it’s finished/ready to go, not to mention that one of the chapters (21) wasn’t even an actual chapter, but instead a teaser for book 2.
But anyway, from the beginning:
So, sometime in late 2011 (I was probably 19 at the time, a sophomore in college) I had a dream one night, the description of which can be found on my FAQ page but I’ve also copied & pasted below for your convenience ’cause I know you’re probably a lazy fuck like me:
I had a dream about a homeless girl (running away from something) that got a job at a salon sweeping the floor. Her boss was a hot blonde woman who owned the salon. The girl makes enemies with a hair dresser there, who finds out about the girl’s situation and tells the owner. Instead of being mad, the owner ends up driving the girl to her place, where she promises to let her stay until she can get back on her feet. It’s worth mentioning that ‘Alex’ and ‘Val’ have been in my head for YEARS before this dream, and were at the center of several other stories and plots. But for some reason this dream was so memorable that I had to write it down. In the process I made it more interesting (because bars are way cooler than salons) and voila, Alex’s Girl.
You know those dreams that stick with you for a few days and for whatever reason it has some strange effect on you and you just can’t get it out of your head? This was one of those dreams. What helps me get ‘rid’ of these kinds of things is just writing it out and moving on. So that’s how I started Alex’s Girl: Unintentionally!
I wrote it while I was on a family vacation, and was bored out of my mind. I was sitting on the floor of our hotel room with my laptop in my lap, and just typed up the first few pages of my dream, of what would one day have the ill-thought out title of ‘Alex’s Girl.’
Now, at 19 I had already been writing and working on three separate story projects at the time, and was posting my writing on a different website. I didn’t have time to start a new story, and definitely never intended on turning ‘Alex’s Girl’ into anything other than a quick drabble meant to get my dream out of my head so I can finally focus on other stuff.
I don’t normally write in first person, and hadn’t in years, so it was sort of like an experiment for me, a writing exercise even. I only wrote a few pages. I didn’t even get to the part where Alex’s invites Val to stay with her/AKA write out the whole dream, I think I only got to the description of how hot Alex is before I got bored and closed the document, leaving it to sit in my computer indefinitely. I never intended on ever opening it up or working on it again.
If someone had told me back then that I would not only continue writing Alex’s Girl, but also end up developing what would one day be my first completed story from that terribly written 4-5 page drabble, I would’ve laughed.
So anyway, Alex’s Girl (which was not called Alex’s Girl at the time) sat on my computer for maybe a year, a year and a half? I totally forgot it existed.
So then it’s 2012 I think. It’s the end of the year. I had just gotten back from spending a summer semester in LA and had just broken up with my then girlfriend. It was my senior year, I had barely any classes or responsibilities. Basically, I didn’t have much going on that I needed to worry about. Aside from a few easy classes, life was relatively stress free.
One day I was browsing Reddit and someone had posted a question on r/writing asking about websites where they can post their stories to to get some feedback. Someone in the comments mentioned Wattpad.
I decided to check it out. The platform I was writing on at the time sucked, and Wattpad’s concept of being the ‘Youtube of Books’ intrigued me.
I obviously couldn’t post anything I had already been working on/had on a different site. Soooo what do I post? I looked through my computer for something I could post that vaguely resembled a first chapter of some story.
Lo and behold! I dug up the document that would one day become Alex’s Girl.
Fun Fact: the original Word document was titled ‘Avalanche Flow’ at the time. What’s Avalanche Flow? It’s actually an exact bit of dialogue I remember from the dream. In the dream, the girl is handed a blue drink, and another person (I guess dream!Gabe?) tells her he invented it himself! I included this minor moment in a scene in Alex’s Girl, actually.
Anyway, I realized Alex’s Girl/Avalanche Flow was perfect for testing out Wattpad. It’s the beginning of a story, which is always the hardest part to write, it’s not written too long ago so I didn’t feel as though it was a poor example of my writing quality (these days I would disagree, it’s terrible), and it’s written in 1st person which is ‘all the rage’ these days, as the kids say.
I quickly picked up where I left off, added a few more pages, finished the chapter and presto! Had a very short chapter to a new story.
At this point I still hadn’t planned on continuing it, I just wanted something finished that I could post up on the site and see what the Wattpad community was like (AKA would something I post get any traction or would it disappear into the masses of stories?)
Anyway, I remember being pretty excited getting like, maybe 10 comments!!!
Maybe less than 10 actually. Maybe there were only 20 views and like 6 comments.
Ahhh such humble beginnings.
Anyway, six people seemed to like it, so I wondered how long I could keep the story going, just as an experiment. Anyway I ended up enjoying writing the story! I got really into it. I was writing 20-30 pages weekly, and posting every other week or even every week if my readers hit a certain vote limit. The frequent updates kept Alex’s Girl from falling into obscurity, and each month meant more followers, more views, and more comments! It was awesome. I was on a roll.
Then I met my girlfriend, HLC, and updates slowed down (because honestly I was too busy getting laid and falling in love to write, sorry guys.)
THEN I graduated college in 2013, got a shitty job, left my shitty girlfriend (fuck you, HLC), got a new girlfriend (what up Hillter!), and for an ENTIRE YEAR I didn’t write anything. I couldn’t! My job drained me. My crazy girlfriend drained me. I would stare at Microsoft Word, angry that I was so close to being finished (CHAPTER 18!! Of a planned 20!!) and then would give up.
So I worked there from Fall 2013 to Fall 2014. Broke up with my crazy girlfriend (bai Hillter) and quit my shitty job in the same week almost.
BAM. Everything was better! I started writing again, finished the final 2 chapters plus a Book 2 Teaser (which is truly a miracle because I was almost 100% certain I would not write a sequel, and yet here I am.)
So there you have it. TECHNICALLY, I could have finished Alex’s Girl in a year, but I took almost an entire year off before finally writing the final chapters.
Alex’s Girl took a very long time to get ‘popular’ if you can even call it that. At it’s height it was ranking extremely high (top 50/70s) in the romance category on Wattpad’s Hot List, but that required lots of frequent chapter updates and I’ve learned recently that taking longer between chapter updates allows me to provide higher quality writing!
Once I finished Alex’s Girl and marked it as complete the views SHOT UP, which is pretty cool, but I also fear I lost a few readers somewhere in that nearly year-long hiatus.
Anyway. That’s how this all started! From a 4-5 page drabble that was never meant to see the light of day to my first completed (and most popular) story!
And now I’m working on a sequel, I can hardly believe that still.
But I’m glad I wrote Alex’s Girl. I learned a LOT during that entire process, a lot about myself and writing and even about you beautiful, impatient fucks that I love so much.
In Lost Then Found news, a snippet of the upcoming chapter to follow once I can find a worthy part, so stay tuned 😉
What’s that? A chapter preview? After nearly a year and a half of no updates?
That’s right folks!
Here we go:
Alex laughed. It felt good to laugh. She had missed Gabe. He always knew what to say to make her feel better. “How are things at the bar?”
“Fine, Ann is handling things. Cyn misses you. Darby cries every time anyone asks for you or Val.” He paused and then added. “A man came by the other day…” He gave the distracted Val a sidelong glance, and then mouthed, Costas to Alex.
Alex inwardly cringed and then quickly shook her head. They’ll talk about that later. “Poor Darby. She knows we’re okay, right?”
“Yeah, but she also knows you guys are basically being held hostage by the mafia, so,” he shrugged, “dunno if we’d call that okay…”
Alex’s lips curved into a frown. “We’re not being held hostage. Once Val is better, we’re getting out of here.”
“Oh yeah?” Gabe asked. “How do you plan on smuggling out the mob princess all those goons out there are here to guard?” He lifted his thick brows. “Should I bring her a sexy nurse costume and you a doctor costume? Maybe you both can seduce your way out.”
This time, Val chimed in. “Why do I have to be the sexy nurse?”
Gabe let out a dramatic sigh, as if the answer was obvious. “Alex is the one that wants to be a doctor.”
“Why can’t we both be doctors?” Val countered.
Gabe threw his hands up. “Okay, you got me. The truth is, there’s no way I’d be able to trick Alex into wearing a sexy nurse outfit. You though…” He tilted his head. “I think you’d want to wear it.”
“Why’s that?” Val asked, eyes filled with amusement.
“Because,” Gabe said matter-of-factly, holding up a finger, “you enjoy torturing Alex.”
Val snickered. Gabe was right. She’d definitely agree to put on a sexy nurse outfit simply to see the look on Alex’s face.
“Okay,” Val said. “Let’s compromise. Alex and I will both wear sexy doctor outfits. You can wear the sexy nurse outfit.”
“Deal,” Gabe said, holding his fist out, which Val happily bumped with her own.
Alex’s eyebrow twitched. Val and Gabe were both grinning at each other like fools. She forgot how ridiculous they could get together. “I don’t remember agreeing to that,” she said, arching a brow in Val’s direction.
Val leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
“I still don’t remember agreeing,” Alex said, but Gabe noticed the look of adoration on her face as she peered shyly at Val, her hand coming up to rest on the cheek the girl had just kissed.
“Focus,” Gabe said when he got sick of them giving each other looks, “What’s the plan?”
I didn’t want to post anything that gave away too much of the chapter, so this will have to do for now.
As usual, the preview is always subject to change as I still need to go through the chapter to proofread and make any edits.
Have any comments about the preview? Feel free to let me know any speculation you may have for the next chapter below. You know I love hearing your theories 😉
Of course, that’s assuming I still have readers out there.
Thanks for reading and stay tuned for the chapter itself!
This is not true. I am definitely in it for more than her nice rack (although it is definitely one of my favorite things if we’re being perfectly honest here.)
But like, how great is this card?
I guess I probably should’ve posted this sooner so you guys could get an awesome card like this for your own ladies but whatever. If you want to get one of these sah-weet Valentine’s Day cards (or cards for other occasions), check out Row House 14 on Etsy by clicking HERE.
So, as you can see, my blog is back up. I even made a terribly embarrassing video to celebrate the occasion. Mostly I’m rambling and you can barely hear me because I mumble BUT I’m posting it anyway because maybe you will find it as entertaining as I find it humiliating.
List of Things I Say Too Much:
1. Um (can’t go more than 5 seconds without this one, my speech teacher would be rolling in her grave if she were dead but I took her class like 4 years ago and she is probably in her 50s so she’s probs not dead)
I’m sure that you couldn’t follow anything I was saying in that video because of the gaps of “Ummmm” in between every thought, so I’m going to summarize it down here. Clearly writing is my forte, not speaking.
List Of Things-I-Tried-To-Say-In-My-Video-But-Was-Unclear-Because-I-Mumble:
1. This site is back up! (obvious)
2. Hope you guys had an awesome holiday season even though I think it’s been maybe more than 2 weeks since then by now.
3. I’m not giving up on Alex’s Girl, I’ve just been busy because the people I work for think I am a competent adult that can handle adult responsibilities. It requires all of my focus to prevent them from catching onto the fact that I have NO idea what I’m doing 98% of the time.
4. My girlfriend is hot and I almost forgot to be like, “I love you,” because I was too focused on telling her how attractive she is. I am easily distracted by a hot girl, woops.
5. I love you guys too and maybe we’ll bang one day.
6. Just kidding.
8. (Call me)
Oh, and to any new people stumbling across this who have no idea what’s going on: Hi, I’m Taleth. This is my blog. I write stuff sometimes and enjoy romantic walks to the fridge.
So I’m heading to California for a little over a week. All of last year I basically spent most of my time with the same two people, Rome and my gay guy friend who shall be codenamed ‘Dale.’ We would just sit in their apartment and drink. But anyway, Dale decided to move to LA (which most people that went to my college end up doing post-grad). He said that by the end of the summer he wanted to just pack up and leave his small hometown in MA. Me and Rome jokingly agreed to road trip all the way to the other side of the country with him.
He was serious.
Anyway, Dale contacted me about a month ago asking if I was actually willing to head there with him for the move. Hells yeah! So now me, Dale, Rome, and our other friend (straight, female) ‘Cork’ are going to road trip down there in a tiny ass little car. It’s going to be awful and awesome. I’m pretty excited, especially because we’ll be stopping off in random cities and staying the nights in creepy, Psycho-esque motels (sorry, always something I’ve wanted to do for some reason.) I’m probably most excited about staying in Vegas. I’ve always wanted to do that. Just my luck that I happen to be going with a group of friends where the gays outnumber the straight. Definitely will have an influence on where we decide to go 😉
And I know you’re all probably like
But I figured I should tell you anyway in case you’re wondering where the chapter preview is. I’ll get on that once I get home, which should be September 4th (I think.)
In any case, the only way you guys will really be able to contact me while I’m gone will be through my new ask.fm account (since I’ve downloaded the app onto my phone) so here’s the link to that: http://ask.fm/talethp
Like it says on there, feel free to ask me anything. Honestly, there will probably be long stretches of the drive where I’m bored out of my mind, so don’t hesitate to send me something.
So yeah, I’ll be back soon if I don’t get stabbed in sketchy motel showers by a serial killer 🙂