Just kidding. If I were to actually write a guide to romance you’d all be fucked, and I wouldn’t do that to you, because I care.

This is just a post about my awesome Valentine’s Day plans.

So I’ve been dating this girl, codename SEXY MCHOTSTUFF (McHotStuff), for a few months. We’ve been talking since Thanksgiving but didn’t actually start going on dates until early December. So I guess it’s been like 2.5 months?

Well, whatever. Anyway. McHotStuff is pretty hot and awesome. I’m into her. I’m tryna get dat shit on lock, yo.

 

Okay no. Seriously though she’s pretty great, so I did some cute shit for Valentine’s Day and I want to share!

So last week, after we had awesome sex, I handed her a card. On the inside I had written ‘Will you be my Valentine?’ and then put two check boxes that both said “Yes.” Sort of like the pic below:

And then in the bottom right corner I put a tiiiiny check box that said ‘No :(‘ next to it (gotta give her the option, at least.)

She immediately freaked out at how adorable it was, and checked off both Yes’s.

Scoooore.

 

So then there was a minor mishap where she was like “Wait, were you asking me to be your girlfriend? It was dark” and I said “uhhh no, the card was asking you to be my Valentine” and then things got awkward for like 10 seconds (because she thought she checked yes to being in an official, committed relationship with me) but anyway, that’s not what this post is about.

I love searching Etsy when looking for funny Valentine’s Day cards. We haven’t been dating very long at all, so anything serious/sentimental is a NO GO. It had to be lighthearted and fun. But also, I’m not a sentimental or serious person, so it was going to be lighthearted and fun anyway.

I was actually in a similar situation a year ago (different girl, obviously), and this is the card I ended up getting her:

So I was like, damn, that’s one ROMANTIC CARD. Gonna be tough to beat! And I couldn’t get this girl (who is TOTALLY BETTER than last year’s girl, and the girl before that, and the girl before that, and the girl before that, by the way) the same card!

So I did some searching on Etsy and LO AND BEHOLD I found the best card that accurately summed up my feelings while remaining relatively minimalist!

So in case English isn’t your first language, this card is funny because ‘Jalapeno’ is the name of a hot pepper, but when you pronounce “Jalapeno” it kind of sounds like ‘Ha-lah-peen-yoh’ and THAT sort of sounds like ‘All-Up-In-Yo’.

So, when you read this card, it basically sounds like you’re saying “I would love to get all up in yo(ur) pants.”

And since I do, in fact, love getting all up in her pants, I figured it was, as Korra says, perfect!

But then the question was… what do I write in it? I asked one of my best friends for advice.

Ahhh, romance. 

So I ended up writing something similar. Warning: My handwriting is AWFUL. Like. Embarrassingly awful. Basically I have the handwriting of a 10-year-old boy. I tried explaining how bad it is to McHotStuff and she was like “I doubt it’s that bad, I mean you obviously know how to use your hands” which was really sweet but also my sexual prowess has nothing to do with my shitty handwriting.

I know I’m going to regret posting this image online because you’re all going to fixate on how TERRIBLE my handwriting is and miss all this romantic genius I’m spewing.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Congrats on your face,

And your booty, too. 

(but also, like, everything else)

Happy Valentine’s Day!

You’re awesome and stuff. 

Let’s make out?

-Taleth.

 

So essentially I’m saying, “I like you! Let’s have sex.”

I think it’s gonna be a winner.

She also loves this magician guy that is always at this bar she goes to with her friends, so she’s always sending me pictures of cool tricks he does for her (I’m convinced he’s trying to bang her but w/e).

So, naturally, I told her I’d learn magic to impress her.

She said, “PLEASE DO.”

SO! I went on Amazon and bought this “magic trick” that I did for show and tell once in 2nd grade. Allow me to demonstrate (apologies for filming this in portrait mode like a plebe):

Now you see the ball… NOW YOU DON’T…Now you do…NOW YOU DON’T AGAIN!

Voila! Magic.

She’s going to be very impressed.

NOW, FOR MY NEXT TRICK, WATCH ME MAKE HER PANTS DISAPPEAR.

 

I also got her a box of chocolates from Max Brenner (an amazing chocolate place in Union Square).

So yeah, that’s how I will be impressing McHotStuff on Valentine’s Day.

I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day (or Singles Awareness Day, or Galentine’s Day, or whatever other variety of ____ Day they have these days.)

Also, I give you all permission to plagiarize my Valentine’s Day card poem, it’s pretty romantic.

May you all get laid, amen.