Taleth’s Guide To TRUE ROMANCE

Just kidding. If I were to actually write a guide to romance you’d all be fucked, and I wouldn’t do that to you, because I care.

nickering seductively
Me flirting. Don’t be me.

This is just a post about my awesome Valentine’s Day plans.

So I’ve been dating this girl, codename SEXY MCHOTSTUFF (McHotStuff), for a few months. We’ve been talking since Thanksgiving but didn’t actually start going on dates until early December. So I guess it’s been like 2.5 months?

Well, whatever. Anyway. McHotStuff is pretty hot and awesome. I’m into her. I’m tryna get dat shit on lock, yo.

damngurlufine

 

Okay no. Seriously though she’s pretty great, so I did some cute shit for Valentine’s Day and I want to share!

So last week, after we had awesome sex, I handed her a card. On the inside I had written ‘Will you be my Valentine?’ and then put two check boxes that both said “Yes.” Sort of like the pic below:

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To purchase this card, click here.

And then in the bottom right corner I put a tiiiiny check box that said ‘No :(‘ next to it (gotta give her the option, at least.)

She immediately freaked out at how adorable it was, and checked off both Yes’s.

Scoooore.

smoothbird
Smooth af.

 

So then there was a minor mishap where she was like “Wait, were you asking me to be your girlfriend? It was dark” and I said “uhhh no, the card was asking you to be my Valentine” and then things got awkward for like 10 seconds (because she thought she checked yes to being in an official, committed relationship with me) but anyway, that’s not what this post is about.

I love searching Etsy when looking for funny Valentine’s Day cards. We haven’t been dating very long at all, so anything serious/sentimental is a NO GO. It had to be lighthearted and fun. But also, I’m not a sentimental or serious person, so it was going to be lighthearted and fun anyway.

I was actually in a similar situation a year ago (different girl, obviously), and this is the card I ended up getting her:

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So I was like, damn, that’s one ROMANTIC CARD. Gonna be tough to beat! And I couldn’t get this girl (who is TOTALLY BETTER than last year’s girl, and the girl before that, and the girl before that, and the girl before that, by the way) the same card!

So I did some searching on Etsy and LO AND BEHOLD I found the best card that accurately summed up my feelings while remaining relatively minimalist!

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Obviously my nail color preference has not changed over the course of a year. Card can be bought here.

So in case English isn’t your first language, this card is funny because ‘Jalapeno’ is the name of a hot pepper, but when you pronounce “Jalapeno” it kind of sounds like ‘Ha-lah-peen-yoh’ and THAT sort of sounds like ‘All-Up-In-Yo’.

So, when you read this card, it basically sounds like you’re saying “I would love to get all up in yo(ur) pants.”

itsperfect
You knew a Korra gif was coming.

And since I do, in fact, love getting all up in her pants, I figured it was, as Korra says, perfect!

But then the question was… what do I write in it? I asked one of my best friends for advice.

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Ahhh, romance. 

So I ended up writing something similar. Warning: My handwriting is AWFUL. Like. Embarrassingly awful. Basically I have the handwriting of a 10-year-old boy. I tried explaining how bad it is to McHotStuff and she was like “I doubt it’s that bad, I mean you obviously know how to use your hands” which was really sweet but also my sexual prowess has nothing to do with my shitty handwriting.

I know I’m going to regret posting this image online because you’re all going to fixate on how TERRIBLE my handwriting is and miss all this romantic genius I’m spewing.

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Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Congrats on your face,

And your booty, too. 

(but also, like, everything else)

Happy Valentine’s Day!

You’re awesome and stuff. 

Let’s make out?

-Taleth.

 

So essentially I’m saying, “I like you! Let’s have sex.”

we'llbangok

I think it’s gonna be a winner.

She also loves this magician guy that is always at this bar she goes to with her friends, so she’s always sending me pictures of cool tricks he does for her (I’m convinced he’s trying to bang her but w/e).

So, naturally, I told her I’d learn magic to impress her.

She said, “PLEASE DO.”

SO! I went on Amazon and bought this “magic trick” that I did for show and tell once in 2nd grade. Allow me to demonstrate (apologies for filming this in portrait mode like a plebe):

Now you see the ball… NOW YOU DON’T…Now you do…NOW YOU DON’T AGAIN!

Voila! Magic.

She’s going to be very impressed.

NOW, FOR MY NEXT TRICK, WATCH ME MAKE HER PANTS DISAPPEAR.

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Me.

 

I also got her a box of chocolates from Max Brenner (an amazing chocolate place in Union Square).

So yeah, that’s how I will be impressing McHotStuff on Valentine’s Day.

I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day (or Singles Awareness Day, or Galentine’s Day, or whatever other variety of ____ Day they have these days.)

Also, I give you all permission to plagiarize my Valentine’s Day card poem, it’s pretty romantic.

May you all get laid, amen.

 

 

Chapter 19 Chapter Preview

What’s that? A chapter preview? After nearly a year and a half of no updates?

That’s right folks!

Here we go:

Alex laughed. It felt good to laugh. She had missed Gabe. He always knew what to say to make her feel better. “How are things at the bar?”

“Fine, Ann is handling things. Cyn misses you. Darby cries every time anyone asks for you or Val.” He paused and then added. “A man came by the other day…” He gave the distracted Val a sidelong glance, and then mouthed, Costas to Alex.

Alex inwardly cringed and then quickly shook her head. They’ll talk about that later. “Poor Darby. She knows we’re okay, right?”

“Yeah, but she also knows you guys are basically being held hostage by the mafia, so,” he shrugged, “dunno if we’d call that okay…”

Alex’s lips curved into a frown. “We’re not being held hostage. Once Val is better, we’re getting out of here.”

“Oh yeah?” Gabe asked. “How do you plan on smuggling out the mob princess all those goons out there are here to guard?” He lifted his thick brows. “Should I bring her a sexy nurse costume and you a doctor costume? Maybe you both can seduce your way out.”

This time, Val chimed in. “Why do I have to be the sexy nurse?”

Gabe let out a dramatic sigh, as if the answer was obvious. “Alex is the one that wants to be a doctor.”

“Why can’t we both be doctors?” Val countered.

Gabe threw his hands up. “Okay, you got me. The truth is, there’s no way I’d be able to trick Alex into wearing a sexy nurse outfit. You though…” He tilted his head. “I think you’d want to wear it.”

“Why’s that?” Val asked, eyes filled with amusement.

“Because,” Gabe said matter-of-factly, holding up a finger, “you enjoy torturing Alex.”

Val snickered. Gabe was right. She’d definitely agree to put on a sexy nurse outfit simply to see the look on Alex’s face.

“Okay,” Val said. “Let’s compromise. Alex and I will both wear sexy doctor outfits. You can wear the sexy nurse outfit.”

“Deal,” Gabe said, holding his fist out, which Val happily bumped with her own.

Alex’s eyebrow twitched. Val and Gabe were both grinning at each other like fools. She forgot how ridiculous they could get together. “I don’t remember agreeing to that,” she said, arching a brow in Val’s direction.

Val leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

“I still don’t remember agreeing,” Alex said, but Gabe noticed the look of adoration on her face as she peered shyly at Val, her hand coming up to rest on the cheek the girl had just kissed.

“Focus,” Gabe said when he got sick of them giving each other looks, “What’s the plan?”

I didn’t want to post anything that gave away too much of the chapter, so this will have to do for now.

As usual, the preview is always subject to change as I still need to go through the chapter to proofread and make any edits.

Have any comments about the preview? Feel free to let me know any speculation you may have for the next chapter below. You know I love hearing your theories 😉

Of course, that’s assuming I still have readers out there.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for the chapter itself!

Ahh, it feels good to be back.

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