Things My Girlfriend Did That Made Her My Ex-Girlfriend

So here are a list of the things my ex used to do that eventually led to our totally awesome break up:

1. Bitched at me for not coming out to my parents (only a few months into our relationship).


Look. Guys. Learn from this. As in, NEVER do this to your significant other (SO). My parents love me unconditionally and I am lucky enough to know that I’d never have to worry about being shunned or kicked out or disowned. I could murder someone and my parents would probably help me cover up the body (and then get me lots of therapy.) But this does not mean that coming out to them is any easier and it certainly does not mean that I should be guilt-tripped into telling them. I didn’t want to tell them, and not because I was afraid of their reaction but because I didn’t think my girlfriend, who I shall affectionately refer to as C.B (Crazy Bitch), was worth my parent’s opinion of me changing forever. I’ll get to it. Don’t rush me.

2. Placed me on a pedestal.


Okay so I know this sounds kind of stupid. “OH GOD. MY GIRLFRIEND THINKS SO HIGHLY OF ME AND THINKS I’M PERFECT, IT’S TERRIBLE.” But no, it really is. The pedestal fucking sucks, especially when they realize you can’t live up to whatever fantasy version of you they have in their head. C.B had self-esteem issues and saw me as FAR SUPERIOR to her. She would constantly ask me why I was dating her, question if I really liked her/felt the same way (despite the fact that I was, you know, dating her for 9 months), and would brag and ‘show me off’ to her weird guy friends so much that it was awkward and beyond embarrassing. Jesus. Christ. Don’t point out to me the fact that you think I can do better than you, because I might realize that you’re right. And I did.

3. Tried to make me jealous. 


Like I mentioned before. Self-esteem issues. C.B constantly needed attention. She constantly needed reminders that I had feelings for her. The thing with me is, I am not huge into sharing my feelings like C.B is. C.B will buy me a star, text me constantly about how much she misses me , and tell me every. five. seconds. about how much she loves me. She’ll even draw doodles of our future home together (yeah, not kidding. Wish I was.) I don’t do any of that. My ways of communicating affection are subtle and infrequent but when they happen they are meaningful and real. If she had been paying attention to the more subtle things then she wouldn’t have needed constant reaffirmation of my feelings for her (though I did my best to convince her). But the one thing that makes this super annoying is that she would try and TEST me. She’d try and make me jealous! Who does that? Are we in middle school? I have a really great story that has to go with this, remind me to post it later. But it was ridiculous. Here’s a tidbit: She sent me a picture of some girl she thought was hot. Yeah. Don’t ever send your girlfriend a picture of another girl. Not only will it be obvious you’re trying to make your girlfriend jealous but you’ll probably just end up annoying her with your lack of maturity and self-esteem. Pathetic.

4. Got mad at me for wanting alone time. 

lol fuck off

I’m an introvert. Now forget everything you’ve heard about introverts. ALL being an introvert means is that I need a lot of alone time to feel stimulated. I need quiet time to recharge my battery or else I get grumpy and exhausted. If you know me then you know this about me. If I say I don’t want to hang out then it’s out of consideration for you because I know I won’t be good company that night unless I get some alone time first. C.B knew this about me before asking me out. She even was REALLY good about it at first. But then she wanted to come over every single day. That drives me nuts. The girl(s) I’m seeing now? They’re totally cool seeing me 2 or 3 times a week. C.B? Nope. Had to be EVERY MUTUAL FREE MOMENT. If I told her I’d rather not spend a 4th night in a row with her she’d get pissy and say, “But I’m your girlfriend.” Yes, unfortunately you are, but that doesn’t change the fact that my brain is wired to hate spending more than 48 hours without alone time. This stressed me out when it came to schoolwork because I could never get anything done when she was around, even when she promised she’d just sit there and let me do my homework. Which she never did. This brings me to my next point…

5. All we did was have sex.

Okay now I know that doesn’t sound like anything to complain about because sex is awesome and who doesn’t like sex, right?


No. Korra is wrong. It DOES matter.

I’ll admit that this is sort of my fault. It was our second date and we had planned on going ice-skating… but we ended up staying in my apartment and having sex instead (this isn’t as bad as it seems, we had been wanting to date each other for 2 years by this point). Anyway, this seemed to have set the precedent for all our future dates as we very rarely ever made it out of my apartment let alone my bed. Soon we started jokingly calling every tentative date “ice-skating” because we never actually went anywhere. Later I would realize that this was because we had absolutely nothing in common except for a mutual physical attraction (that certainly fizzled on my end), but I digress.

6. She left my apartment mid-break up and then, a month later, she pretended we had never broken up. Yeah, seriously.


 So I broke up with her. Except, well, she left mid-break up. Like. Started crying, got up, and ran out of my apartment. ONLY TO ANGRILY TEXT ME FIVE MINUTES LATER. Wow. Coward. So then a month passes and she keeps texting me so I finally tell her that she should stop since, you know, we broke up.

She pretended she had no idea what I was talking about and acted shocked and upset. She seriously texted me saying, “If you knew we were completely done you should’ve told me!”

Holy crap! How long did I date this idiot for? Nine months, was it? Well, shit. 

So I said, “I did. I did tell you we were done. When I broke up with you. A month ago. I even started that conversation with, ‘I think we should break up.‘ How did you miss that?”

“That was a fucking dumb way to start that conversation!”

“How was I supposed to start that conversation? Did you want me to talk about the weather first? Oh hey. Kind of chilly out today right? By the way I’m breaking up with you.”

Suffice to say, this comment only made her angrier.

A month had passed since our break up and even though she clearly knew we had broken up (by remembering how I started our breakup conversation) she decided to pretend that I was somehow blindsiding her with the news.

I could literally talk all day about how crazy this chick was, but I’m not going to because this post is already too long and I have class in 30 minutes and haven’t put on pants yet. Story of my life.

As a side note, this story is about my first girlfriend EVER so I clearly had not developed any sense of ‘red flags’ and warning signs. The crazy snuck up on me, and yes, I stuck my fingers in it. She was glorious for the first few months and I’d be lying if I said I regretted it. I had absolutely no idea she was bat-shit until her self-esteem issues caused her to act like a Shellder clinging on to a Slowpoke.

(Like me, Slowbro tries to make the best out of an agonizingly painful situation.)

Anyway. I’m off to class. Hope everyone enjoyed this insight into my very first lesbian relationship.

Oh, and yes, Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry is the song I have set as the ringtone for when she calls (which she doesn’t, thank god.)

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