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The Locker Room: Surprise Valentine’s Day Story

Hi guys!

I’ve posted a short story called The Locker Room over on Wattpad.

It’s really bad because I wrote it a hundred years ago but anyway, just so we’re clear:

THE STORY ‘THE LOCKER ROOM’ IS NOT, IN ANY WAY, RELATED TO THE STORYLINE OF ALEX’S GIRL OR LOST THEN FOUND.

Yes it uses Alex and Val.

No they aren’t ‘the real’ Alex and Val.

I wrote it for the same contest I had originally written A Method of Discipline for, and ended up going with A Method of Discipline because it was a teacher/student story and guess what kind of stories are always the most popular on Wattpad? Well, back then anyway. Now it’s billionaires. But I digress.

You can read more about it on the FAQ because I’m expecting an onslaught of “wait is this the prequel?” and  “Why are they in high school together?” etc. from people who don’t know how to read all my warnings ahead of time (people still ask me if A Method of Discipline is related to Alex’s Girl or Lost Then Found). 

ANYWAY.

Happy Valentine’s Day, to all of you. Yes, even you.

Thank you for reading all my junk, I really appreciate it.

No, there’s no news on Chapter 9 of Lost Then Found. JUST TAKE YOUR SHORT STORY AND GO.

Till next time!

-Taleth.

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Swiggity Swooty: Taleth’s Valentine’s Day Update

Okay so blah blah I had a great time blah blah

So I wasn’t going to write a follow up post BUT she sent me a bouquet and the card was HILARIOUS so I had to share with you guys:

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Roses are red

Peaches are fruity

Swiggity Swooty

I’m coming for that booty

Happy Valentine’s Day, Nerd 🙂

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This is particularly hilarious because if you read my Valentine’s Day post from the other day, I used the ‘swiggity swooty’ gif and also my card is VERY similar (I, too, mention the booty).

GREAT MINDS.

Also, she baked me cookies and made me breakfast this morning and it was really good. The key to my heart is food, so GOOD JOB McHotStuff!

So basically what I’m saying is I think I may have to keep her.

EDIT: Forgot to mention, magic trick totally worked. I got laid.

Taleth’s Guide To TRUE ROMANCE

Just kidding. If I were to actually write a guide to romance you’d all be fucked, and I wouldn’t do that to you, because I care.

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Me flirting. Don’t be me.

This is just a post about my awesome Valentine’s Day plans.

So I’ve been dating this girl, codename SEXY MCHOTSTUFF (McHotStuff), for a few months. We’ve been talking since Thanksgiving but didn’t actually start going on dates until early December. So I guess it’s been like 2.5 months?

Well, whatever. Anyway. McHotStuff is pretty hot and awesome. I’m into her. I’m tryna get dat shit on lock, yo.

damngurlufine

 

Okay no. Seriously though she’s pretty great, so I did some cute shit for Valentine’s Day and I want to share!

So last week, after we had awesome sex, I handed her a card. On the inside I had written ‘Will you be my Valentine?’ and then put two check boxes that both said “Yes.” Sort of like the pic below:

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To purchase this card, click here.

And then in the bottom right corner I put a tiiiiny check box that said ‘No :(‘ next to it (gotta give her the option, at least.)

She immediately freaked out at how adorable it was, and checked off both Yes’s.

Scoooore.

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Smooth af.

 

So then there was a minor mishap where she was like “Wait, were you asking me to be your girlfriend? It was dark” and I said “uhhh no, the card was asking you to be my Valentine” and then things got awkward for like 10 seconds (because she thought she checked yes to being in an official, committed relationship with me) but anyway, that’s not what this post is about.

I love searching Etsy when looking for funny Valentine’s Day cards. We haven’t been dating very long at all, so anything serious/sentimental is a NO GO. It had to be lighthearted and fun. But also, I’m not a sentimental or serious person, so it was going to be lighthearted and fun anyway.

I was actually in a similar situation a year ago (different girl, obviously), and this is the card I ended up getting her:

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So I was like, damn, that’s one ROMANTIC CARD. Gonna be tough to beat! And I couldn’t get this girl (who is TOTALLY BETTER than last year’s girl, and the girl before that, and the girl before that, and the girl before that, by the way) the same card!

So I did some searching on Etsy and LO AND BEHOLD I found the best card that accurately summed up my feelings while remaining relatively minimalist!

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Obviously my nail color preference has not changed over the course of a year. Card can be bought here.

So in case English isn’t your first language, this card is funny because ‘Jalapeno’ is the name of a hot pepper, but when you pronounce “Jalapeno” it kind of sounds like ‘Ha-lah-peen-yoh’ and THAT sort of sounds like ‘All-Up-In-Yo’.

So, when you read this card, it basically sounds like you’re saying “I would love to get all up in yo(ur) pants.”

itsperfect
You knew a Korra gif was coming.

And since I do, in fact, love getting all up in her pants, I figured it was, as Korra says, perfect!

But then the question was… what do I write in it? I asked one of my best friends for advice.

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Ahhh, romance. 

So I ended up writing something similar. Warning: My handwriting is AWFUL. Like. Embarrassingly awful. Basically I have the handwriting of a 10-year-old boy. I tried explaining how bad it is to McHotStuff and she was like “I doubt it’s that bad, I mean you obviously know how to use your hands” which was really sweet but also my sexual prowess has nothing to do with my shitty handwriting.

I know I’m going to regret posting this image online because you’re all going to fixate on how TERRIBLE my handwriting is and miss all this romantic genius I’m spewing.

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Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Congrats on your face,

And your booty, too. 

(but also, like, everything else)

Happy Valentine’s Day!

You’re awesome and stuff. 

Let’s make out?

-Taleth.

 

So essentially I’m saying, “I like you! Let’s have sex.”

we'llbangok

I think it’s gonna be a winner.

She also loves this magician guy that is always at this bar she goes to with her friends, so she’s always sending me pictures of cool tricks he does for her (I’m convinced he’s trying to bang her but w/e).

So, naturally, I told her I’d learn magic to impress her.

She said, “PLEASE DO.”

SO! I went on Amazon and bought this “magic trick” that I did for show and tell once in 2nd grade. Allow me to demonstrate (apologies for filming this in portrait mode like a plebe):

Now you see the ball… NOW YOU DON’T…Now you do…NOW YOU DON’T AGAIN!

Voila! Magic.

She’s going to be very impressed.

NOW, FOR MY NEXT TRICK, WATCH ME MAKE HER PANTS DISAPPEAR.

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Me.

 

I also got her a box of chocolates from Max Brenner (an amazing chocolate place in Union Square).

So yeah, that’s how I will be impressing McHotStuff on Valentine’s Day.

I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day (or Singles Awareness Day, or Galentine’s Day, or whatever other variety of ____ Day they have these days.)

Also, I give you all permission to plagiarize my Valentine’s Day card poem, it’s pretty romantic.

May you all get laid, amen.

 

 

The Most Romantic Valentine’s Day Card

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This is not true. I am definitely in it for more than her nice rack (although it is definitely one of my favorite things if we’re being perfectly honest here.)

But like, how great is this card?

I guess I probably should’ve posted this sooner so you guys could get an awesome card like this for your own ladies but whatever. If you want to get one of these sah-weet Valentine’s Day cards (or cards for other occasions), check out Row House 14 on Etsy by clicking HERE.

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